12 July 2011

Arrival

I have never thought to liken a city to a jewel before, though I've seen it done.  But there could be no other description for my impression of this city as we descended upon her in the dark of the morning.  She sparkled, she glowed, red and gold and green, while the waves lapped humbly at her feet.  I soon learned that she smelled, too, like fish.  Nobody's perfect.  We were greeted like family, piled in a rickety old van that was to become our constant companion for the week, and we bounced south for over an hour.  I stuck my face in the open window so that the wet sea air buffeted me as the jeweled city faded, replaced by more silent waves, fields, and darkness.
I still felt trepidation that I had come out of my own thirst for adventure, and not from divine appointment.  Was I following God's lead or orchestrating my own path?
My fear that I had made a mistake quickly got worse.  It may have had something to do with my being sick as a dog the first two nights.  They told us not to drink the water, but I ate the tabouleh - and regretted it.  I wanted to go home.  I REALLY wanted to go home.

As I was well enough during the day to manage okay, I was told that my job during the week would be triage.  Sure!  I said....What's a triage?
We bumped in the van back up to the city we'd flown into to do clinics at a blind and deaf school and an orphanage.  At the school, we watched some of the kids perform for us before we sang some worship songs for them.  When I walked into the small auditorium, the only air conditioned room we'd be in all week, a blind girl was sitting on the stage, singing.  Every so often I caught the word "habibi" (my love) - I was informed the song was about unrequited love.  Her voice softly rose and fell in those minor and fast-changing intervals that the best trained western singers seem unable to manage.  A teenage boy, also blind, was brought up on stage, where he played a small drum tucked under his arm; taps, bumps, hits and slaps at a dizzying speed and with such precision and patience.  The drum sang, I don't know how that's possible, but it did, and the boy's face shone like he was in his happiest element creating such a song.


The children at the blind and deaf school wore crisp uniforms with little red ties, but the children at the orphanage wore mismatched hand-me-downs.  Street kids, disenfranchised, illegitimate, untaught, unloved except for a handful of people who try to fight the corruption that funnels away the funds that should be put toward the orphanage.  These kids have no papers, so they can't be adopted.  The orphanage is supposed to work toward obtaining papers for them, but it doesn't get the money it's supposed to for this.
We gave them checkups and played with them.  We sang songs like "Peace Like a River," which they apparently know very well and sing it anything but peacefully.  They were certainly less than angelic; the group dynamics brought back frightening flashbacks of Lord of the Flies, but even the most conniving kid had the innocence that just comes with being a kid, not having control over your circumstances and not knowing any better than to fight tooth and nail for your own self.
This was the first instance on the trip of my feeling completely helpless.  What were we there for, other than to entertain them for an afternoon?  Weird laws, corruption, and a society that wants to forget it has orphans meant these kids have very little hope in this world.  They're stuck in limbo.
I don't mean to leave you with such a depressing thought, but it's where I was at the end of the first day - in between losing my lunch and dinner and everything else I'd ever eaten.  I thought, why am I here?  This is a mistake.  I can't do anything.

16 June 2011

How God uses Google

Tomorrow, I'll be plane-hopping my way to the Middle East.  Today, I have a million things to do.  Well, technically it's less than a million, but I've got that silent panic feeling in my stomach that always seems to drive me to denial and ultimately procrastination - as if that will get the (less than a) million things done.  And, like last time, like so many times in my life, there's that voice quietly telling me that I am going to fail, I'm not good enough, I'm going to screw everything up for my team, there's no point in even trying unless I masochistically want to fall flat on my face.  Those fears even materialize into deceptively realistic nightmares that hang in the back of my mind for weeks, extremely disconcerting for a person who never remembers their dreams at all.

Yesterday God provided in a small but important thing regarding my trip, and in gratitude I thought of the verse about how your Father in heaven cares even about sparrows, and how much more then he cares about you.  What is that reference again, I mused.  A magical thing about the internet is you can Google (or Bing, if you Bing) even the vaguest word of a verse and get a the exact verse you're looking for.  Sort of.  I was actually looking for Matthew 6: 25-34, but Googling "verse about sparrows" sent me instead to Matthew 10: 26-33, which was not what I had thought I wanted, but ended up being what I needed.  If I had a nickel for every time God gave me what I needed instead of what I wanted - I would have a lot of earthly treasure that would mean nothing compared to the treasure of his presence.

Here's what Matt 10: 26-33 says (Jesus is speaking):
"So have to fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.  What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.  And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.  Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.  Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.  Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.  So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven."
(ESV, boldedness mine)

The greater danger than the person who attacks you head-on is the person sneaking up behind you.  A convincing lie will trap you where words of opposition will not.  As a favorite teacher of mine says, "Those who are deceived don't know that they are deceived, because they're deceived!"
The gripping anxieties are not gone, but they've been lessened by Google's non-coincidental diversion to a word I did not intend to find, but God meant for me in that moment.  He provided yet again.  He always does!

20 May 2011

an education in jazz

I am finally, only through the grace of God, done with college.  When I say it like that it sounds like it was miserable.  It wasn't; in fact, it was pretty fun.  But it wasn't always easy, and I wouldn't make it through a day without his grace anyway, college or not.  I am also now unemployed, teaching music not being a lucrative enough venture to pay the rent (with my skills and limited experience, at least), so I'm moving back in with my parents (it's ok, they're cool, and when I say they're cool I mean they're nerdy like me).  I'll stay with them until I either go to grad school in the fall or get rejected from grad school, in which case who knows!  I have full confidence in God's sovereignty, so maybe I'm less stressed about unemployment than I should be.  I have roughly two weeks left before moving back home, and I must admit I'm relishing the wide empty TIME that I finally have.  Apparently, I like reading and music!  I noticed that it said so on my Facebook profile, so I tried them and I DO like both!  My parents gave me a Kindle for graduation, and even though my first love will always be crispy, age-worn sweet smelling tomes, the (near) infinite capabilities of the tiny Kindle delight my fondness for always having multiple reading possibilities with me.  And I've been learning jazz, FINALLY.

Jazz has always been to me the elusive domain of musicians far better than me, surrounded by a smoke of nonchalant genius and pure creativity.  My (former) boss is giving me a crash course in jazz, from progressions to modes and ninths and improvisation.  I never really learned how to improv in a band setting, like I do in the worship band; I kind of just tried and it happened.  Jazz seems like "anything goes," but the theory is endlessly complicated.  For the first time, I'm having to actually think about what notes I should play next.  I've started listening to more jazz, having been directed to jazz violinist Stephane Grappelli.  Jazz violin!  How cool is that!  Learning jazz has made me realize how much I love learning music, and how refreshingly challenging the puzzle of theory is.  It's been a bit of a reassurance for my decision to pursue a postgraduate music degree.  I'm glad I majored in history, but I miss music.

16 May 2011

Electric Tuareg


Tinariwen is a band of Tuareg musicians.  The founding member reportedly built his own guitar as a child; he used a tin can, bicycle brake wire, and a stick to make it after seeing a movie where a cowboy played a guitar.  The band was formed in the late 1970s, but when Muammar al-Gaddhafi (whom we all know from current news) gave illegal refugees in Libya the chance for military training, the members of Tinariwen joined the Libyan military.  In a backfire of Gaddhafi's plan for a larger Libyan military, Tinariwen joined with a Tuareg rebel group in Libya.  Later, they joined Tuareg rebellion in Mali that ended in the Tamanrasset Accords in 1991.  With their military endeavors over, they devoted themselves more fully to their music, and began traveling internationally in 2001.  
The band's distinct style mixes West African traditions with modern instruments, most specifically the electric guitar, giving rise to a new style often referred to as "Electric Tuareg."  Tinariwen means "The Desert People."



03 May 2011

Middle East, Episode II

I knew I'd go back - or, at least, I hoped that I'd go back, trusted that God wouldn't give me such a desire in vain.
In June I'm going back to the Middle East (though not Israel proper), if God wills.  We'll be doing a medical clinic and an eyeglass clinic, though I probably won't be much help in either of those.  We'll also be serving Palestinian refugees.
My heart has been breaking on a regular basis for Palestinians.
I wrote a (terrible excuse for a) paper on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict last week, and while the paper itself is just plain heinous, the research I did for it opened my eyes to a greater understanding of what exactly is going on over there.  Honestly, when I went to Israel I had next to no idea what all the conflict was about, or who did what, or why - I just thought, "So you guys don't like these guys, and those guys don't like you....right?"  Now that I at least have a basic sketch of its recent history (by no means do I fully understand it), I just itch to go back all the more.  I'm not sure why I care so much, but I do, and I think that since I don't know where this love for Palestine and the Middle East in general came from, it must not have come from me, but from God.

I'm exploring options for spending more time over there, but right now my official plans are for a 10-day trip in June.  I've never liked the idea of asking people to help out financially on mission trips, but a large part of that is my pride and my dislike of depending on anyone other than myself.  It's definitely more than I can afford, and asking for money has required me to swallow a lot of pride (I have a lot of it to swallow) and lean on God's greater understanding.  If you want to help me go, and part of the trip expenses will support the churches we will work with and pay for food distribution and other materials, let me know via comment or e-mail or any other way you have to get in touch with me.  Also, and probably more importantly, I fervently desire your prayers for this trip and the people we'll be going to serve.

02 May 2011

party time

This is the first day of my last week of undergraduate classes.






18 April 2011

I, Benedict Arnold

I have a confession.

I want a Kindle.

ESV study Bible 9.99

Complete works of George MacDonald 1.79

I'm betraying my stacks of sweet-smelling books.

But I don't care.

16 April 2011

What do you call the day after a rainy day?

Saturdays can go two ways: they can either be very productive or very lazy.  I intended today to be the former.  So far it's the latter.  But I suppose there's still hope, maybe with a second cup of coffee.  It's also a beautiful day today, a real spring day instead of a summer day like the ones we've had lately.  Yesterday we had a nasty storm, and in my dreaming last night my apartment was swept away.  When I woke up it was all still here, though.  The day after storms is usually especially lovely, skies clearer than usual and a sweet, new smell in the air, like it's trying to make up for being all furious and destructive the day before.  It would be a good day for a hike, a wet hike anyway, but hiking buddies have been hard to come by lately and I have that whole "be productive" thing to do anyway.
So I will just have to placate the desire to take to the woods by looking at my photos from my last few hikes.  Most college kids hit the beach for spring break, or go somewhere with friends; this year, for my last spring break ever, I decided what I wanted to do most was be with the people I don't get to see, i.e. my parents, and hike as much as possible with my first and favorite hiking buddy, my mom.
 We hit up a couple places out of state.  It's nice to be able to day trip over the border.  But it's also nice that our home state has so many great trails.



 Day 2 we managed to drag my dad along for some spectacular Appalachian Trail views.









 Day 3 we stumbled on an idyllic valley of rhododendron and waterfalls.  It was one of those ancient-feeling places.  We went on a weekday, in the morning, so we had it all to ourselves.






We had to examine the stratification of this boulder.  We hypothesized the other half of the rock was in the creek, near where we ate lunch.  They were separated a long time ago.
This is the creek we forded.   It looks harmless, and it is, but it's over a foot deep.  We felt very adventurous.  Like Daniel Boone, but with an SUV.